MATT A.
I don’t even know anything.
Do you know anything?

MATT B.
I know nothing.

MATT A.
If I knew something, I would tell them.
But I know nothing.

MATT B.
I also know nothing.

MATT A.
Hmm.

MATT B.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

MATT A.
Are you calling your family?

MATT B.
I don’t have a family.

MATT A.
Your friends?

MATT B.
I don’t have friends.
All I have is a border collie and she’s not taking my calls right now.

MATT A.
Oh no.

MATT B.
I saw this YouTube video about a border collie that learned a thousand words, so I decided to teach some to my dog.

MATT A.
She can talk?

MATT B.
No, but she can understand.
I would tell her to get an object and she’d know what to get.
And that was fine but then she learned how to read.
And it all went downhill from there.

MATT A.
Because now she’s smarter than you?

MATT B.
Because she got on the Internet.
She got on 4Chan
And then 8Chan
And now she wants me to teach her slurs.

MATT A.
Slurs.

MATT B.
Racial slurs, ethnic slurs, gender-based slurs.
She’s desperate for them.
I try to offer her the milk bone but she’s just not interested.
She’s like a weird dog-libertarian.
Anyway I’m like, “Gingerpuff”
(That’s her name)
I’m like, Gingerpuff, I’m not going to teach you that word.

MATT A.
What word

MATT B.
You know what word.
So now we’re in a fight.

MATT A.
You’re dog’s like
A redpill person?

MATT B.
She prefers ‘free-speech activist.’

MATT A.
Uh-huh.

MATT B.
And I have to be like, if 8Chan is enabling mass shootings, it should definitely be shut down.
And Ging is like, oh, the only true forum of free speech we have left?
And I’m like, I don’t want to get shot!!!
And she’s like, no one’s gonna shoot you
And I’m like, no, no one’s gonna shoot you, you’re a DOG!!!

MATT A.
But they did shut it down.
So she can’t go on it anymore.

MATT B.
Well—

MATT A.
Does that make her angry?

MATT B.
They took it off the clear web, but you can get to it on the dark web.

MATT A.
Your dog knows how to use the dark web.

MATT B.
Dude, border collies are smart.
I’m getting nervous because she’s out there.

MATT A.
Gingerpuff

MATT B.
Yeah Gingerpuff is out there just getting radicalized by the second.
What if she does that Alex Jones thing and sends hate mail to the parents of kids who died at Sandy Hook?

MATT A.
Sandy Hook happened on my birthday.

MATT B.
Oh no.

MATT A.
Sorry, not important.

MATT B.
No, it’s OK

MATT A.
It’s not about me.

MATT B.
It’s OK.
Just—what if she reads enough manifestoes

MATT A.
On the dark web

MATT B.
Yeah
And buys a gun on www.fastlipoandgundepot.com?
And decides to do a mass shooting herself?
I gotta get home.

MATT A.
Me too.

MATT B.
Oh do you have a dog at risk of joining the online alt-right?

MATT A.
No I just.
I miss the outside?
A breeze.
Do you remember the last time you felt a breeze?

MATT B.
I do not.

MATT A.
Or ate something other than gruel?

MATT B.
But I love the gruel.

MATT A.
Or made eye contact with a handsome stranger?

MATT B.
Oh?

MATT A.
Should we kiss?

MATT B.
Oh.

MATT A.
Haha, just kidding
...
Unless?

MATT A.
Sorry.

MATT B.
It’s OK

MATT A.
I’m not usually attracted to other Matts.

MATT B.
It’s fine.

MATT A.
I think I’m just lonely

MATT B.
Dude.
I am so lonely.
And so tired of dealing with these people.

MATT A.
Here’s my thing with the non-Matts.
They don’t seem to like this job. And the powerful Matts are giving them this out.
When faced with the opportunity to live a more satisfying life, do they even recognize it? Do they know how to seize it? Can they tell if it’s real?

MATT B.
People don’t know how to look for the signs.

MATT A.
And then when they do see the signs, they’re like, are these signs real?
And it’s like, yes,

MATT A. and MATT B.
THIS IS THE SIGN AND IT’S A REAL SIGN.

MATT B.
We’ve got to get out of here.
I wish I knew something that I could tell them.
But I don’t even know anything.

MATT A.
I know nothing.

MATT B.
If I knew something, I would tell them.
But I know nothing.

MATT A.
I also know nothing.

MATT B.
I feel like you know something.

MATT A.
Dude.
I totally
Know nothing.

MATT B.
You just seem like
Really insistent that you know nothing.
Which makes me think you know something.

MATT A.
OK on the count of three, let’s both say what we know.

MATT B.
Fine.
One
Two

MATT A.
Oh you’re doing the count?

MATT B.
Oh, sorry.
Did you want to count?

MATT A.
Nah, I mean.
We could count together.

MATT B.
OK.

MATT A. & MATT B.
One
Two
Three

MATT A.                    MATT B.
Nothing.               The Meeting of the Matts.

MATT A.
Oh shit.

MATT B.
Have you been?

MATT A.
I have.
I have been.
I thought I knew nothing but it turns out I do in fact know something.
But it’s passed.

MATT B.
Yes.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And we need to get out of here.
We need to get their attention.
We need to step up the offense.